Published on July 23rd, 2021 and Updated on January 15th, 2024
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Have your arms been feeling a little sore lately? Is it your new upper body workout or has your baby decided that the best place to sleep is in Mom’s arms? If your baby is fighting sleep or refuses to snooze anywhere or but your cozy embrace, don’t worry— they can learn how to drift off to dreamland by themselves with a little help from Mom and Dad.
Read on to learn more about how to get your baby to sleep without being held!
Why do babies like to sleep in a parent’s arms?
Has this ever happened to you? You’ve rocked your little one to sleep, set him down in his cozy crib or bassinet, kissed his cheek, and left him sleeping like a sweet little cherub. A few minutes later, that cherub turns into a one-baby scream-a-thon. The sound of his cries could understandably be mistaken for those of a baby in mortal danger.
That’s the thing: when your baby wakes up without Mom’s arms around him, he may actually believe he’s in mortal danger. Evolutionarily speaking, waking up alone was not only frightening for babies, but also dangerous. While you know your kiddo is lying safely in his crib or bassinet rather than on a treacherous jungle floor, his instincts can’t tell the difference. Crying and screaming in these fear-inducing situations are evolutionary protective mechanisms that get Mom and Dad’s attention.
That’s why, for your baby or newborn, sleeping in a parent’s arms soothes those primal fears—those snuggly arms tell him that his parents are there to protect him and keep him safe, allowing him to drift into blissful sleep or naptime. Teaching your little one that arms aren’t the only safe place to sleep (despite how warm and comforting they may be) will address this ingrained response.
4 Ways To Get Your Baby To Sleep Without Being Held
Although every baby is different, using a few or all of these 4 techniques can help your baby sleep without being held (so your arms can get a break!)
#1 Swaddle Your Baby to Create a Snug, Cozy Environment
The Situation: Your newborn just spent the last nine months in Mom’s womb—the safest, coziest environment there is. The adjustment to the bright lights and bustling sounds of the outside world can be shocking, making the warm embrace of your arms the next best thing to crawling back into the womb.
The Problem: Although your soothing scent and touch and the familiarity of your heartbeat can bridge the gap between the womb and the world, if using your arms as a bridge stretches out for too long, it can become harder for your little one to start feeling comfortable with independent sleep.
The Solution: Swaddling can mimic the comfort of the womb without reinforcing the habit of only sleeping in your arms. Plus, the swaddle can prevent nighttime flailing, which often triggers a startle response in your baby that makes it harder for her to fall asleep. One study found that swaddled infants slept for longer periods of time, experienced less mental distress, and heightened their ability to self-regulate and self-soothe—exciting news for any parent looking to sleep train down the line. If you notice your baby crying in sleep, this can be a great way to help!
If you want to swaddle your baby, here are some important safety guidelines:
- Only swaddle your little sleeper until she turns about two months old, which is around the time many babies start rolling over onto their stomachs. If a swaddled baby rolls onto her stomach, she won’t be able to use her arms to lift herself up, which can increase her risk of suffocation. Similarly, if a swaddled baby rolls over and undoes the swaddle in the process, the loose fabric can become a choking hazard.
- When placing your swaddled baby in her crib, be sure to place her on her back. If placed on her side, she can easily roll onto her stomach and increase her risk of suffocation.
- Keep blankets, pillows, toys, and other potential choking hazards out of her crib to minimize the risk of suffocation. You may be wondering, when can babies sleep with a blanket? Well, they can only use it when they’re at least 12 months old. However, swaddling is a great alternative for younger babies.
- You can ensure the swaddle isn’t too tight by checking that you can fit 2 to 3 fingers between your baby and the blanket.
#2 Wake Your Baby Gently When You First Put Him Down For the Night
The Situation: Your little mama’s boy only falls asleep in your arms. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, you rock him to sleep, perhaps give him a nighttime feeding and then transfer him carefully into his crib, hoping he’ll remain asleep for as long as humanly possible (or at least until you can get caught up on your current Netflix favorite).
The Problem: Newborns tend to go into deep sleep for about 3 to 4 hours at a time. This means, before you know it, your little one is up and frightened to discover he’s alone. His last memory is relaxing peacefully in the safety and security of your arms…then what happened? MOM?! From there, his panic response takes over, and he cries out, hoping Super Mom will come to his rescue.
The Solution: To prevent your baby from experiencing this sudden shock, some experts recommend slightly waking your sleeping baby while still remaining bed drowsy as you place him into his crib for the night.
After all that work I just did to lull him to sleep?
It may seem counterintuitive, but by implementing this nighttime sleep technique, you teach your baby that it’s safe for him to fall back into a deep sleep, which will help him better handle each subsequent awakening. With initial attempts of this technique, your baby’s temperament will likely exhibit the same panicked response upon waking, but if you continue to reassure your little dreamer that he’s safe, he’ll eventually learn to see his crib as the new “Mom’s arms.”
#3 Put Your Child to Bed Awake But Stay Close For Reassurance
The Situation: You look for baby sleep advice, only to find variations of the same technique: put your baby down while she’s awake, leave the room, let her “cry it out,” and eventually, she’ll learn to soothe herself to sleep. It sounds simple enough, but when the sounds of your sweet baby’s unending wails are too much to bear at one in the morning, you can’t help but to swoop back in, and comfort her in your arms.
The Problem: The “cry it out” method of sleep training, known more clinically as unmodified extinction, may negatively impact your daughter’s cognitive development by triggering an excess release of cortisol—the body’s stress hormone. In fact, one study found that insecure attachment can arise when parents reject their child’s pleas for comfort or are inconsistently available or withdrawn. Not to mention, it can be emotionally taxing for you to listen to your baby cry and not be able to comfort her.
The Solution: Rather than ignoring your daughter’s persistent cries, some experts recommend staying by her side and subtly attending to her needs. In sleep training circles, this method is often referred to as “camping out.”
Although you may still be tempted to scoop up your little one to comfort her, try reassuring her using only minor physical and auditory cues, such as:
- Softly speaking or singing – For your baby, your voice is one of the most soothing sensations. One study found that a mother’s voice can trigger the release of oxytocin (the love hormone) and lower cortisol levels almost as quickly as an entire suite of comforting behaviors. Quiet lullabies, soft sweet-nothings, and even happy coos can relax and reassure your child as she navigates the unfamiliarity of this new situation.
- Gently touching – What’s better than one comforting stimulus? How about two? Light pressure and tactile connection can relax your baby and slow vital signs, including heart rate, respiratory rate, temperature, and pain intensity. Try gently placing your hand on your baby’s tummy or softly stroking her arms to calm her fear response and soothe her.
- Slightly rocking the crib –Research has found that mechanical soothing may be more effective than parental soothing to calm fussy newborns. When studies compared heart rate between parental intervention and smart crib intervention, they discovered that the calming response in infant heart rate was stronger in the crib than in a parent’s arms. While the exact reasoning behind this response remains unclear, researchers believe it may be due to the consistent intensity of a smart crib’s rocking. This means by gently and steadily rocking your baby’s crib at a consistent tempo, you may lull her back to a safe sleep without reinforcing the need to be in your arms.
These “arms-free” styles of comforting can address your baby’s needs without fostering unhealthy sleep behaviors—the same idea that drives another popular sleep training technique—The Ferber Method.
The Ferber Method, also known as graduated extinction, is a gentler and more structured version of the cry it out approach popularized by pediatric sleep expert Dr. Richard Ferber. Rather than leaving your baby’s room and staying away until morning, Ferber recommends returning to her crib at predetermined intervals to soothe her with reassuring words and touch.
With the Ferber Method, the intervals of time between checking on your little one become longer throughout the night and with each passing day. This encourages more active self-soothing from your baby.
In practice, the Ferber Method looks something like this:
- Day one – First, check on your baby after 3 minutes. Then leave the room and wait 5 minutes before checking back. With the third and each subsequent check that night, wait 10 minutes.
- Day two – First, check back after 5 minutes. Then leave and wait 10 minutes. Then, extend the period of time to 12 minutes for each subsequent check.
- Day three – Check on your little one after 10 minutes. Then, wait 12 minutes, and finally, 15 minutes, maintaining a 15-minute wait between each subsequent check-in.
Eventually, the time between your nightly check-ins should reach 30 minutes, until your baby learns to self-soothe on her own. While implementing this method can feel difficult at first, evidence suggests you’re helping, not harming, your baby. In fact, five years after Ferber-style sleep training, aPediatrics study found no negative impacts on a child’s mental health or her relationship with her parents.
#4 Remain Still As He Falls Asleep In Your Arms to Mimic a Stationary Crib
The Situation: You try waking your little boy up as you put him down for the night, remaining in the room, and singing softly to him as you rub his belly. But no matter what you do, he doesn’t fall back to sleep unless you pick him up and rock him.
The Problem: If your baby is dependent on movement to fall asleep—such as rocking, bouncing, or walking—the stillness of his crib will feel icky to him and adds another layer of unfamiliarity he has to overcome to catch those Zs.
The Solution: As your little snoozer begins to nod off in your arms, try to stop any rocking movements before he fully falls asleep. Instead, sit still, and breathe slowly. If your sudden stillness disrupts his near-sleep, you can start gently rocking him again. Then, repeat the process until he successfully falls asleep without even the slightest motion.
Once your baby can fall asleep in the stillness of your arms, he’ll be better prepared for the peaceful stillness of the crib.
In conclusion, teaching your baby to sleep without being held might be a journey filled with many sleepless nights, but remember, it’s a process that takes time and patience. By employing strategies like swaddling, gently waking your baby as you put them down, using gradual sleep training techniques like the Ferber Method, and remaining still as your baby falls asleep, you’re setting the stage for a lifelong healthy sleeping pattern, making it worth every yawn.
Sources:
Attachment & Human Development. Nighttime maternal responsiveness and infant attachment at one year. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3422632/
Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Nighttime sleep-wake patterns and self-soothing from birth to one
year of age: a longitudinal intervention study. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1201415/
BMC Psychiatry. Infant sleep hygiene counseling (sleep trial): protocol of a randomized controlled trial. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5010682/
National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health (UK). Children’s Attachment: Attachment in Children and Young People Who Are Adopted from Care, in Care or at High Risk of Going into Care. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK356196/
Proceedings of the Royal Society B. Social vocalizations can release oxytocin in humans. https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/abs/10.1098/rspb.2010.0567
Einstein (Sao Paulo). Therapeutic touch: influence on vital signs of newborns.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4880376/
PLoS One. Infant crying and the calming response: Parental versus mechanical soothing using swaddling, sound,
and movement. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6481793/
Time. It’s O.K. to Let Babies Cry It Out at Bedtime. https://healthland.time.com/2012/09/10/its-o-k-to-let-babies-cry-it-out-at-bedtime/
Pediatrics. Swaddling: a systematic review. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17908730/
American Academy of Pediatrics News. Unwrapping the controversy over swaddling. https://www.aappublications.org/content/34/6/34
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SneakPeek aims to provide the most accurate and up-to-date information to help our readers make informed decisions regarding their health before, during, and after pregnancy. This article was written based upon trusted scientific research studies and/or articles. Credible information sources for this article are cited and hyperlinked.
